Vanity Issues
by Zarius
Summary: Bill plunges into the deep end, and learns to adjust to surprises as The Doctor explains to her the miracle of the time lords [Spoilers for 'Lie of the Land']


**DOCTOR WHO:**

 **VANITY ISSUES**

 **WRITTEN BY ZARIUS**

* * *

Bill often threw herself into her work, and by that, she didn't mean her workload before becoming a student, or even after. She could throw herself into any field of work after a period of adjustment.

Consider where she was now, hanging from an ion bridge, her feet dancing across the thinest of air fifteen hundred meters above a swirling molten energy reservoir, whose powerful torrents of energy ravaged whole cliff faces around it with wild and ferocious pockets of mad and random lightning strikes.

Her crash course in tree and bridge climbing in the deepest recesses of the Amazonian rainforests had prepared her for this.

That, and a hefty marathon of _Fort Boyyard_.

Above her, two Sontaran warriors crossed onto the bridge in search of her.

''Did you see the human pass this way?'' asked one to the other

''I have a fair eye on the target'' said the other.

''Good, point me in the appropriate direction'' the first Sontaran replied

His partner aimed his gun squarely to the lead Sontaran's chest.

''I find it more appropriate to point myself in yours'' he said, his eyes shimmering.

The first Sontaran was all too quick to recognize the changing face of his enemy.

''A Rutan? Is everyone an intruder on this colony?'' he asked.

''I am the tide that comes in to cleanse your concrete footprint'' replied the Rutan, and took careful aim, firing point blank into the Sontaran, he limped backwards and fell off the bridge.

Bill watched in horror as he did so, plummeting into the energy reservoir, his body quick to burn as it impacted upon the lakes of fire and electricity, reducing him to a smouldering heap.

His cries as he perished would undoubtedly haunt Bill for a fair few sleepless evenings to come.

Provided she survived of course.

The Rutan lingered around the bridge a minute or so longer, his predatory instincts compelling him to seek out Bill for himself, but the lure of further Sontaran conquest pulled him away from the search as a platoon approached the bridge. He opted to go down fighting in his ongoing mission to further the blood soaked feud between his species and theirs.

As more of the Sontarans fell in the ensuing gun battle, Bill tried to cancel out the screams, zeroing in on only one noise as she picked up on it. A wheezing, groaning sound, the sound of release.

And release she did.

She spiralled downward, convinced she had the faith to fall, convinced she had pinpointed the appropriate co-ordinates of where the sound of her salvation was emanating from.

The TARDIS materialized before her, suspended in mid air, on it's side, it's doors wide open. She landed with a heap on top of Nardole. The doors swiftly shut, and the vessel was on it's way, traversing through all of time and space once more.

''Next time, I get a preview of where you take me'' Bill replied as she picked herself up and stormed towards The Doctor.

''Relax, the Narvadians have expressed their full and frank apologies for placing you inside that colony as an inside man''

''I'm a girl'' she said.

''They don't believe there's more than one gender, they tend to think the ''Wo'' in ''Woman'' is short for something else.''

''Like what?'' Bill asked, folding her arms and expressing authority on her face, demanding an answer.

''All that matters is I told them you were a TOP man, not a WORSE one. Do you understand?'''

''I understand you can be pretty cagey about what you mean'' Bill said.

''You're still pent up about the last time I put you up to something with a little intensity to it'' The Doctor responded

''Back when the monks had taken over the Earth, when you made me shoot you, what was that light show you put on?''

''Light show?'' Bill continued.

''You mean the regeneration'' Nardole pointed out

''Regener-watzits'' Bill snarked.

''That sounds a bit too corny'' The Doctor joked, ''And yes, the process does melt in your mouth, and most times your whole mouth while it's at it''

''Doctor, your whole body...it exploded, right after you were shot, no way could that have been caused by a blank. You looked injured, you were weak at the knees, you were at death's door, I can tell these things with my own two eyes, I know what death looks like, then there's this bright burst and suddenly it's all better. You're all better. We get on with life as normal''

''You're right, you're right of course'' The Doctor responded, ''My apologies Bill, I should have told you. I mentioned it in passing to you at one point before we crossed the frost fairs on the Thames, I just assumed you'd put two and two together before I told Nardole if it was too much''

''If you ask me, I reckon it was, you promised yourself you wouldn't try that same trick again. Your wife would'nt approve of wasting your life let to say nothing of consistently risking it''

''Wasting a life?'' Bill asked.

''That bullet wasn't a blank, but I couldn't show weakness, I couldn't show compromise, I had to let it all go right there, give myself a new body, but I couldn't opt to paint over this face, this body, with a new coat of genes and kidneys when it would have confounded you and everyone else I'd placed under my trust and guidance. It would also have played havoc with my equilibrium at a crucial juncture where I had to meddle with the Monk's own.''

''Meddling with Monks, you take after too many of your familiar haunts you'' said Nardole.

''So...this process, it changes you?'' Bill continued.

''To a certain degree, if you halt it at the right moment though, you can retain everything of what you were, and you needed me as much as I needed you''

''Except he once criticized a previous incarnation for changing and keeping the same face for reasons pertaining to vanity'' said Nardole

''This time I had a reason to keep the same face...the same body, the same as it ever was...not to bring peace to my ego, but instead maintain the peace on Earth, and instil a sense of calm in you'' explained The Doctor.

''Sounds like you really need to work on how you surprise me, because if you were more like this, I'd look forward to how you set about doing so'' replied Bill

''It's a Time Lord custom, but it is native to some of your numerous animal species too...your assignment for tomorrow is to write a thesis on the process native to your planet. One thousand and thirty two words. Get cracking ''

Bill sighed.

Trust the Doctor to throw her back into the deep end so swiftly after escaping it.


End file.
